Yes, the U.S. Dept. of Justice says there about 840,000 male victims of domestic violence each year. But those are just the ones who've reported it.
Not that the numbers really matter: What matters is that it's happening, and it’s no joke.
Several decades of awareness campaigns devoted to shedding light on the issue of battered women have resulted in laws that have tipped the scales so far that not only do male victims have little or no legal recourse, abusive women have learned to take advantage of these women-friendly laws and public policies as an aspect of their abusive behaviors.
So what can a man do, when the behavior of his significant other is either violent, abusive, or both?
There are no easy answers, because the few objective researchers into the matter say partner abuse has various causes and origins. However, there are a few things you can do on your own to help not only yourself but your partner.
The most important is to recognize that not all situations are alike. They don't follow the same pattern. When it comes to men as victims, there is no supportable evidence that domestic violence is always a deliberate choice; nor does it always progress in severity.
Trudy W. Schuett
Try to look to the cause. It’s possible that some women just don’t realize what they’re doing.
Maybe they’ve been brought up in an environment where this kind of behavior is considered usual. Some people live their entire lives in an atmosphere of mutual combat on a regular basis – we’re talking about long-term marriages of many years. If that’s the kind of family she had growing up, perhaps she’d be willing to get some counseling, if she knows she’s causing harm to her husband or children.
Is there a medical problem? If a woman who has been congenial and serene suddenly becomes angry or violent, there’s a possibility that a visit to a doctor could be helpful. There are a number of conditions and diseases that can cause behavioral changes, and early recognition and treatment for these is important. Fortunately, women are more likely to seek medical treatment if they know that it’s necessary.
What about drugs or alcohol? Is the abusive behavior something that seems to occur when she’s under the influence? Would she be willing to get help for this problem if she knows it’s causing harm?
If those kinds of solutions don't address the problem, you could be dealing with a borderline personality disorder.
At the extreme end of the scale is the woman who knows what she is doing and doesn’t care. In that kind of a situation, it’s up to you to decide whether you can live under these conditions, or whether you need to get out for your own safety, or the safety of your children.
Consider proactive steps that can keep a situation from turning violent:
* Move the argument: if you are in the bedroom or kitchen, try to move. The bedroom has understandable reminders of issues that could be important, and the kitchen can be a dangerous source of weapons. The living room or even the front yard is a better place for you to be;
* If you have collections of guns or knives, obviously, get them out of the house, and store them elsewhere. Women tend to go to weapons as equalizers more quickly than men. While even simple items as CD cases and wine glasses can be turned into weapons by a violent woman, it makes sense to remove the obvious dangers;
* Get witnesses. Tell family or friends about your situation, difficult as that may be. Even one person with first-hand knowledge of your problem can make the difference between your wife or girlfriend getting help or using the issue against you. That’s why I suggested the front yard in the earlier point. A nosy neighbor can be your best friend in some cases;
* Do not phone police unless you are in immediate danger, and your life is at risk. Law enforcement professionals nationwide have been trained to presume the man is always the perpetrator. There have been many cases where a man has been arrested, even while his wife is in the process of assaulting him and/or a police officer. Don’t add this extra risk unless you absolutely cannot avoid it;
* Have a safety plan. Put together a bag with a change of clothes, cash, spare keys and toiletries, and keep it somewhere away from your residence.
If you have children, make provisions for them as well, and also include such things as birth certificates and social security cards. You may want to start storing your important papers in a bank safety deposit box. Be sure to arrange for a place to go if you need to spend a night or more away from home.
For more information:
Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women
Stop Abuse For Everyone
Menstuff
Men's eNews
I also have video on my own site that looks into the circumstance of a few men. It's called "Husband Beaters" and was part of "The Secret Lives of Women" series on the WE Network.
Trudy W. Schuett publishes the AZ Rural Times and New Perspectives on Partner Abuse. You can find her on Twitter and on Facebook.
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Stan
said:
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... Trudy, Excellent article! The information about NOT calling the police because they have been trained to 'profile' all domestic violence events as male perpetrated is one of the most difficult for most men to comprehend. We have been taught that our system is to be a protection driven system of protecting victims from perpetrators. Yet, it is as you write, a man is obviously guilty and to be arrested no matter the situation. He will then carry the expense, discomfort, shame, and sometimes a wrongful criminal record for being innocent. In previous generations, men could be imprisoned and publicly embarrassed if their wives cheated. A cuckold, the man with a faithless wife, would sometimes be bound up in public with shame, ridicule and garbage heaped upon him. The handling of male DV victims has not changed, only we abuse these men in different ways. We still punish the victim if he is male in a second victimization by twisting the very laws written to protect him. If a Black were arrested every time there was a disturbance between a Black and any other racial group, we would be returning to an era of the 70's and 80's in every Northern City in the U.S. and pre 60's in all the country. Blacks were wrongfully profiled as always being the perpetrator, facts be damned. But we now do this based on gender. It is still just as wrong. Your point was well made on the societal attitude that something is wrong with a man who cannot control his mate yet is allowed no options. Besides, many of men did not want controlling relationships, neither controlling nor being controlled. Most men want a trusting and trusted mate. They want a faithful, not a faithless, spouse. There are more underlying causes triggering the abuse of men by women than just Borderline Personality Disorder. Schizophrenia, Sociopathy, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar Personality Disorder, and others. These are the dangerous women who kill. Sometimes the weapon of choice is the abuse itself until the man is driven to suicide. The numbers of male suicide are horrendous and climbing. A current website that tracks the basic breakdown of these numbers is www.suicidology.com. Thank you so very much for the articles on this deadly topic of Abusive Women. |
Robert Gartner
said:
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If truth be told! Trudy, It's something approaching great that you have found yourself writing an article on DV and its male victims! Just as with society's blindness to the poison and its effects imposed upon children from broken households, or even within intact households for that matter, called Parental Alienation, a most insidious form of child abuse, the tsunami of many myths perpetrated against the male gender, within the decades of misandrist feminism, is beginning to wash itself back out to sea, the great equalizer, and the body of truth. Too bad our systems are not brighter and thus the leaders a sheepy society needs. Thanks again Ms. Trudy! |
william
said:
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... Good article, Trudy, thanks. My experience was that after being attacked while asleep, i called the police to try to prevent myself from being falsely accused later. Police showed up, saw my wounds, ignored them, refused to drive me to ER so I drove myself. She got scared the ER would report her, so she called police again and reported I came back from ER and attacked her. Her wounds were obviously self-inflicted and superficial scratches, but i was arrested and charged with multiple felonies, no prior arrests so the DA asked for only 7 years in prison. Then DA says she will drop all other charges if I plead to a single misdemeanor, no jail, no fine, only probation. Hired the State's forensic pathologist to look at evidence of her injuries, he renders opinon her injuries are self-inflicted. DA lies to Court and attempts to hide report, police lie under oath, original police report is changed, all stories change multiple times to try to account for pathologist report, evidence in police custody disappears. All charges dismissed on day of trial. DA says she knew from start I was innocenct but she was not allowed to dismiss DV charges against men. Says I probably did 'something' illegal in my life. The thing I learned from this is how corrupt the Courts, DAs and police are. Never trust the legal system. |
Tom Miller
said:
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It's Even Harder for Abused Fathers to Protect Children Trudy, very good article. You truthfully reveal what stays hidden most of the time, that men are major victims of domestic violence. One who abuses their spouse is also more likely to abuse their children, and vice versa. Is this why studies and stats show that women commit the vast majority of child abuse and murders of their own children as well? You said that, "Law enforcement professionals nationwide have been trained to presume the man is always the perpetrator." Yes, that IS very true. The domestic violence coalitions train police, judges , community and church leaders, using abusive lies about men and fathers, instead of using that money to equally protect more victims regardless of gender. It is far more difficult for an abused husband to protect and get away from an abusive woman with his children to protect them - VERY hard to accomplish. Thanks for not being intimidated by the domestic violence establishment which intimidates, threatens and abuses reporters who report and document the full truth of both sides of this issue! You are an angel and very good writer! Don't ever give in to the threats, abuse and insults from those worst abusers of all. |
PTP
said:
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What to do if you have kids? Leave them with her? Wonderfull article! What to do if you have kids? Leave them with her to become victims too? Suggest that the place is geting dangerous and spend a few hundred on a home security video camera system. Let the truth be your defence. Make sure you say 'everythng that happens in this house will be recorded.. if we get burgled, we'll have footage of them for te cops". Then your recordings will be admissible in court. Most violent mothers have narcarcistic or boarderline personality disorders, and will gladly accept home security.. because they have no idea that they are doing anything wrong. Also this will protect you from her false allegations. Protect your kids... get a a couple of cameras. |
Tammy Delphia
said:
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... Great story.. But as we all know men get the worst of it I have seen 2 cases right now .. That a man is getting the worst abuse ever and can't get any help from no one! and there is a 1 year old who is suffering even more.. The mother is mental ill but very very smart she has played and played the system to the point thatif this man and child can't find some one pretty soon the child will end up being abusive also! Help in VERMONT!!!!! |
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